I received the final grades of my Practicum report today – and with much surprise and shock, I did really well. Receiving 97% on a project that took me the better part of four months to imagine and create is truly amazing. March has been especially difficult physically, mentally and emotionally. I remember the day I handed in my +100 pg report and feeling that I really didn’t care for it anymore. A project which was my ‘baby’ – felt like more a burden than anything. After proof-reading once, my emotions got the better part of me, convincing me to say ‘fuck it’ as I clicked the submit button.
As a traveler in life with the school-aspect completed for now, I am left questioning what paths to create or take and what decisions are best for me at the moment. There are so many possibilities and a lot of confusion (which is probably why it is keeping me up at night AGAIN!) My coworker C lent me a book called Man’s Search For Meaning which talks about a psychologist’s trek through the Holocaust and understanding his meaning for life and his reason for living. Although this is not a particularly easy read.. (as I read a little passage and reflect on my own life), it is the first book I have read leisurely for the better part of a year. Hopefully, it’ll shed some insight and guide me to understand my own meaning for living.
“Don’t aim at success–the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run–in the long run, I say–success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.” – Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning